This is usually how things go, everyone takes their first trip with their family when their at the age of ten and under to the outer islands or to the mainland. With those trips you have the experience of flying and handling everything. You know how to read gate signs, what to do at security check point, what to do when the plain is about to take off and the usual things about taking a trip.
The color of the sky was gray with some spots of light trying to shine through. I decided to go to Keehi Lagoon even though i wasn't going to be attending the Maui invitational this year. Yes, I was really bummed out. I bought a paddle hoping that i was going, i also fund raised, and at the time I felt as if all of the hard work that I put in was all for nothing. Though i felt bummed out, I still continued to go to practice and work on my technique. I wasn't treated the same as the people who were going on the trip, I had more freedom. I got to do what i felt like doing. So that day I asked my coach if I could paddle on the one man and he said yes. It was my first time being on the one man. I still had to work hard as the others Coach Kainoa still made me do sprints and turns by myself. I went to go take a small water break and who knew that when you work hard you get rewarded. My coach pulled me to the side and told me that a couple of people dropped out and there was an extra spot for someone to go on the trip and that person was ME !
The day of the trip... March 13,2009 Had i mention that this was my very first time flying on an air plane and I'm going without my parents? So I got out of school early I went home and my parents were there to help me pack. I was thinking to my self, "am I seriously going on my first trip without my family?"... I guess I was. I started to pack for a 3 day 2 night trip. At that point I was so excited to go. I was running around my house, going absolutely crazy trying not to over pack and not forget anything. No one was there to tell me how much pairs of clothes to bring, anyways put your bigger liquids in your luggage, don't forget your tooth brush, and everything else. As i walked out to leave through my front door, the "bye desha" and "see you later" really hit me inside.
We arrive at the airport, i walk up to greet my friends with my parents right behind me. My mom tells me i have to go check in now, so we go and she does everything. She does all of the talking and handling of my ticket. Then she hands it over to me and its now responsibility to take care of it. I try not to freek out while I'm waiting with the rest of the crew. My mom finally says "okay were leaving now, call us when you land". I tried to play it cool and said "yeah okay I'll call, bye." I was on my own now, as much as i wanted them to stay and come with me they couldn't. I was now responsible for making sure I don't get stopped at security check point,making sure i don't freak out when the plane takes off, and land, and making sure i had all of my things when i arrived to Maui and came back from Maui. So when I landed I called my parents, I got my luggage, and went off to Maui Seaside Hotel. I couldn't go back now i made it, I had to do everything on my own. My Parents weren't there. I couldn't ask them to fly down to Maui when i didn't know what to do. I had to suck it up and grow up.
This experience really made me realize that sooner or later that day will come when I will have to go on with life not having my parents there to help me and tell me what to do. I'm going to have to just trust my instincts and just do it.I'm gonna have to handle my own money, keep track of my belongings and be responsible. I can say that my first trip ever by myself was a great experience, and I'm so thankful that my parents had a lot of trust in me to go by myself. I didn't even trust my self going, but this really was an eye opener. I grew up a lot, even though it was only about 6 months ago and I grew up, there were small events that added to my coming of age packet and the trip was the final touch. I can say that now I try to handle things by myself without having my mom to help me and tell me what to do.
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Marissa
ReplyDeleteYour essay was very descriptive and I could really feel the emotion in your essay.
Besides the few grammar errors, your essay was good. I wish I could have came with you guys on the trip to Maui. Even thought I've never gone on a trip without my family, I could imagine how you felt when you got to the airport and had to go on the plane by yourself without your parents there to assist you. This was a good choice for the coming of age process because as you said in your essay, "..sooner or later that day will come when I will have to go on with life not having my parents there to help me and tell me what to do. I'm going to have to just trust my instincts and just do it."
ReplyDeleteGOOD JOB DESHA! :D
- Daryenne'Noel
Desha your essay was very descriptive and very relatable. I could really feel the emotion in the story. It could be alittle more organized but overall it was good.
ReplyDelete-Marissa
Hi Desha,
ReplyDeleteFirst a note to Marissa and Daryenne--keep in mind the sample commentary that I shared with you guys in class. You need to be much more specific and you need to go beyond just identifying with the writer, to giving him or her ideas for the revision.
Here is my critique: Your topic seems to work as a coming of age and you explain at the end that it has changed you and given you more maturity. What you need to do in the revision is focus more and do more show than tell.
The first paragraph is mostly explanation and probably can be deleted. Then, you provide a lot of details about your paddling and your trip. See if you can be more selective. Since your focus is your coming of age, some of the details about first not going then getting the chance to go might not be necessary since you don't connect that part to your coming of age.
You have some good details about the "before"--where you are packing and getting checked in at the airport and where your parents are still doing a lot of it for you. Be sure those are specific details that "show, not tell."
The main part of your essay should be the part that actually shows how you took more responsibility on the trip. That part is actually the shortest in your essay. You need to add more specifics from after you leave your parents at the aiport, through the trip itself...to show that you have changed.
Then, you won't need the explanation at the end. Always try to show, not tell...you will end up with stronger writing that way.
Let me know if you have questions.
mrs s