My kind hearted and loyal self,
Always jumping,
Serving them the best I can,
But never a jump for myself.
I do as I am told,
For they are my authority figures.
Recommendations to do well and make right choices are brought up
But it seems as if I have no choices
No barrier will come between us
And I will continue to serve them
But for I will choose the path that I will create for myself
Not the one that is selected for me
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Hey Desha.
ReplyDeleteYour poem is pretty good
I like your choice of words like "authority figures" and "barriers". It kind of levels up your vocab which makes the poem sound legit rather to an ordinary poem.
It would be nice if you compared a story to your life to the myth because it kinda seems like you're just describing yourself.
I think you could add a few more lines and structure your poem to at least two paragraphs.
Whos "them"? You should describe it more that the reader could figure out who it is.
When i think of "jumping" i literally think of you jumping? you could replace that with another similar word.
Other than that, if you make those changes you should have a structured, fluid, and character in your poem.
but i dont get where you're going?
DeshaMarie hey girl hey :D
ReplyDeleteYour poem is interesting and I enjoyed reading it. I remember you telling me that you were comparing yourself to Mulan and I didn't realize the connection until I read your poem.
I like your choice of words like "authority figures" doesn't seem cliche. But I agree with micah with comparing yourself to the myth. And you could probably add more more lines and go more into detail about your character to make your poem even stronger and more understanding. Other than that I enjoyed your poem, just fix some parts up it'll be good :DD
Hi Desha,
ReplyDeleteNice job on your draft. And I think your teammates have some good suggestions for your revision. I think more details about Mulan would help (I didn't know who you were using in your allusion). And I also agree that it would be good to identify the "they" that you seem to be rebelling against.
So, overall, more specifics, both about your life and about Mulan.
mrs s
okayy thanks mrs.s :)
ReplyDelete